You left me… Adoption Story
Tears filled his young eyes as he stared at me. I stared back in disbelief. My four year old son threw another toy at my head as he screamed at me, “You left me.”
Shocked, I simply stared at him. How could I explain that it was not me who had left him in the Russian orphanage? I was his mom, of course it was me. I was the only mom he knew.
Alex met my husband and I just two weeks before his third birthday. As we stood in the orphanage we heard the head doctor describe the way our son was abandoned not once, but twice by his birth mother. I remember them telling the two of us the details of his young life. It was barely six months since Alex had last seen his birth mother. I thought how great it would be to get this child home but never realized how much pain there was behind those blue eyes.
It would take five more months and an additional two trips before we would be able to pick Alex up and bring him to his new home. In all of my day dreaming I never once – when I was filling out papers or flying around the world to visit him – did I ever dream that Alex would think it was my fault that he had been abandoned in the orphanage. And yet, here he was accusing me of leaving him.
Nightly we faced the nightmares as Alex re-lived the orphanage. His screams waking the house. His tearful pleas for help made my nights unbearable and his haunted eyes broke my heart.
Now I faced a very angry little boy who wanted me to explain why I had abandoned him. In short soft sentences I whispered I loved him. I couldn’t blame his birth mother because that wouldn’t have been fair to her or to my son. I did not know her reasons for leaving Alex. I simply had to stand and accept my son’s anger. Reaching across the floor, I pulled Alex into my arms. As I wrapped my arms around him a heart broken desolate wailing came from the shaking body. Quietly, I whispered in his ear that I loved him and would never leave him.
No one could have prepared me for this heart wrenching moment. Those days, weeks, and months were rough. However, it’s a journey that I am proud to have made. Adoption can be a difficult path, but it is a rewarding journey that I am glad Alex and I are sharing. Adoption especially of an older, international child requires a commitment from the adopting family. Education and preparation can make the path easier. I would urge anyone considering international adoption to educate and prepare themselves.
Someone seeing three year old Alex would have seen a broken child, but as a child of five he is happy, well adjusted, and very attached. No one could have adequately prepared me for the heartbreaking moments, but neither could anyone have prepared me for the precious moment when Alex’s mischievously happy eyes met mine and his arms wrapped around my neck and I heard, “Mom, I love you.” And those are the moments that make international adoption a wonderful journey.
A child broken by their haunted past does not have to remain broken, but can with the love and commitment of a family become a happy loving child. My bond with Alex is probably stronger than I ever imagined it could be. The reason is so simple. Because a little boy angry and hurt asked why he had been left and his new mommy wrapped her arms and heart around him refusing to ever leave him.