Pregnancy and Adoption Resources

When I began the adoption application, I never really considered the birth mother.  She was a necessary part of the adoption process, but not a real person to me.  I know that sounds callous.  But it is a completely honest statement.   It is not that I thought bad of her but simply that she had never entered my mind.  But that was soon to change.  In 2007, my husband and I brought home two beautiful children.  Standing in a Moscow hotel,  I stared at their sleeping bodies.  This was my first introduction to the mysterious birth mother.  When  Christmas came I again found my self saddened as their birth mothers were on my mind.  I wondered if the women would be proud to know how happy the kids were, would the birth mothers be pleased to know the children were healthy and sassy, or if the birth mothers ever thought about the children. 

As time passed I found that there are very few days that one of my children’s birth mother’s does not cross my mind.  On holidays and birthdays she is a constant invisible presence in our home.  But it is on ordinary days that the birth mothers cross my mind the most.  Such as when darling daughter scraps her knee, I think of her birth mother and hope she would be proud of how independent this little girl has become.  Or when strapping son scores a soccer goal, I wonder if his skills are from her or from his birth father. 

I’m not sure if birth mothers realize how much we (adoptive moms) appreciate them.  We do.  If I could say one phrase to my children’s birth mothers it would be a simple one.  It would be - I love our child. Because that is what this child is - ours- yours and mine.  

Tears filled his young eyes as he stared at me.  I stared back in disbelief.  My four year old son threw another toy at my head as he screamed at me, “You left me.” 

Shocked, I simply stared at him.  How could I explain that it was not me who had left him in the Russian orphanage?  I was his mom, of course it was me.  I was the only mom he knew. 

Alex met my husband and I just two weeks before his third birthday.  As we stood in the orphanage we heard the head doctor describe the way our son was abandoned not once, but twice by his birth mother. I remember them telling the two of us the details of his young life.   It was barely six months since Alex had last seen his birth mother.  I thought how great it would be to get this child home but never realized how much pain there was behind those blue eyes.

It would take five more months and an additional two trips before we would be able to pick Alex up and bring him to his new home.  In all of my day dreaming I never once - when I was filling out papers or flying around the world to visit him - did I ever dream that Alex would think  it was my fault that he had been abandoned in the orphanage.  And yet, here he was accusing me of leaving him. 

Nightly we faced the nightmares as Alex re-lived the orphanage.  His screams waking the house.  His tearful pleas for help made my nights unbearable and his haunted eyes broke my heart. 

Now I faced a very angry little boy who wanted me to explain why I had abandoned him.  In short soft sentences I whispered I loved him.  I couldn’t blame his birth mother because that wouldn’t have been fair to her or to my son.  I did not know her reasons for leaving Alex.  I simply had to stand and accept my son’s anger.  Reaching across the floor, I pulled Alex into my arms.  As I wrapped my arms around him a heart broken desolate wailing came from the shaking body. Quietly, I whispered in his ear that I loved him and would never leave him. 

No one could have prepared me for this heart wrenching moment.  Those days, weeks, and months were rough.  However, it’s a journey that I am proud to have made.  Adoption can be a difficult path, but it is a rewarding journey that I am glad Alex and I are sharing.  Adoption especially of an older, international child requires a commitment from the adopting family.  Education and preparation can make the path easier.  I would urge anyone considering international adoption to educate and prepare themselves. 

Someone seeing three year old Alex would have seen a broken child, but as a child of five he is happy, well adjusted, and very attached.  No one could have adequately prepared me for the heartbreaking moments, but neither could anyone have prepared me for the precious moment when Alex’s mischievously happy eyes met mine and his arms wrapped around my neck and I heard, “Mom, I love you.”  And those are the moments that make international adoption a wonderful journey.  

A child broken by their haunted past does not have to remain broken, but can with the love and commitment of a family become a happy loving child.  My bond with Alex is probably stronger than I ever imagined it could be.  The reason is so simple.  Because a little boy angry and hurt asked why he had been left and his new mommy wrapped her arms and heart around him refusing to ever leave him.   

So I’ve cobbled together a few things for some information on abortion and mental health.  I hope you find this informative and helpful.

The links take you to text sources for the article…not the www.newbeginningsadoptions.org page

In discussing abortion, and abortion for the mother’s health, it is absolutely crucial to know what “health” means, legally and in practice, regarding abortion. “Health” was defined in detail by the U.S. Supreme Court. The Court said that abortion could be performed: “. . . in the light of all factors — physical, emotion-al, psychological, familial, and the woman’s age — relevant to the well being of the patient. All these factors may relate to health.” Roe vs. Wade, January 22, 1973

And in its companion decision, “Maternity or additional offspring may force upon the woman a distressful life and future. Psychological harm may be imminent. Mental and physical health may be taxed by childcare. There is also the distress for all concerned associated with the unwanted child, and there is the problem of bringing a child into a family already unable, psychologically or otherwise, to care for it.“  Doe vs. Bolton, January 22, 1973 44

In a concurring opinion, Justice Douglas further elaborated what “health” meant when, in law, it related to abortion. He detailed if she had to: “endure the discomforts of pregnancy; to incur the pain, higher mortality rate, and aftereffects of childbirth; to abandon educational plans; to sustain loss of income; to forego the satisfactions of careers; to tax further mental and physical health in providing childcare, and in some cases, to bear the lifelong stigma of unwed motherhood.” Roe vs. Wade, January 22, 1973

This definition of “health” has been adopted internationally. As a result, in any nation, if abortion is al-lowed for the woman’s “health,” that country permits abortion on demand unless other aspects of its laws add restrictions.

The World Health Organization of the United Nations defined it as including social, emotional and economic well being of the woman as defined by the woman herself.

Let’s narrow it down to mental health, in the psychological sense, and ask–are there mental health reasons for abortion?

No! The woman with mental health problems is far more likely to experience post-abortion emotional and psychological problems than a more stable woman.

Four classic references here are these: “Women with a history of psychiatric disturbance were three times as likely to have some psychiatric disturbance” after an abortion as others who had no such history.”   E. Greenglass, “Abortion & Psychiatric Disturbance,” Canadian Psych. Assn. Jour., vol. 21, no. 7, Nov. 1976, pp. 453-459

Dr. Charles Ford and his associates at UCLA reported the same finding. “The more serious the psychiatric diagnosis, the less beneficial was the abortion.“  C. Ford et al., “Abortion, Is It a Therapeutic Procedure in Psychiatry?” JAMA, vol. 218, no. 8, Nov. 22, 1971, pp. 1173-1178

“The more severely ill the psychiatric patient, the worse is her post-abortion psychiatric state.”    E. Sandberg, “Psychology of Abortion” In Comprehensive Handbook of Psychiatry, 3rd ed. Kaplan & Friedman Publishers, 1980

All of these support the original official statement of the World Health Organization in 1970: “Serious mental disorders arise more often in women with previous mental problems. Thus, the very women for whom legal abortion is considered justified on psychiatric grounds are the ones who have the highest risk of post-abortion psychiatric disorders.”

Then “mental illness” as a reason for abortion is just an excuse?

Precisely.

What about psychological problems after abortion?

When your authors wrote Handbook on Abortion in 1971, there were a few murmurings about post-abortion problems, but little was known. We then saw the negatives as mostly physical.

When we wrote Abortion: Questions & Answers in 1985, physical damage, while still a major problem, was given less emphasis, and negative psychological aftermath was being seriously investigated. With the publication of this book, far more is known about what is now called Post Abortion Syndrome which clearly is a post traumatic stress syndrome.

A Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome?

Yes. This type of problem was first seen in large numbers in Vietnam veterans, but did not manifest it-self until a decade after they returned. The same ten-year delay has been evident with abortion. T. Keane, Vietnam Vets Trauma disorder level at 15%, Am. Med. News, L. Abraham, Dec. 2, 1988, p. 2

What is Post Abortion Syndrome (PAS)?

Many women are very ambivalent about getting aborted but do go ahead. Those around her told her (and she told herself) that it wouldn’t bother her. When symptoms occur, she tells herself it can’t be the abortion causing them, and then into play come her two major psychological defense mechanisms:

(more coming Wednesday)

Since my last post, the international adoption process has continuoualy moved forward in Nepal. The Ministry of Women, Children and Social Welfare (the Ministry) in Nepal announced that they would only accept ten families per agency at this current time. The Kathmandu Post reported that of all the agencies that were registered, only fifty dossiers had been submitted to the Ministry. New Beginnings has been successful in filling all ten available slots. Of those ten families, five have dossiers that have been sent over to Nepal and their wait process has begun…check back for updates on these five families that are pursuing a Nepal international adoption or visit www.NewBeginningsAdoptions.org for current news.

If you or someone you know may be interested in adopting from Nepal or another country, please contact me at the New Beginnings office 662.842.6752 or at marcusdavenport@nbicfs.org.

Last Tuesday I was running into the gym to try and get some laps in the pool before they closed.  As I checked in at the desk, I saw a person I had attended high school with (and was a champion swimmer then and swam at the collegiate level).  I was hanging up my keys and about to rush into the locker room, when I saw her walk my way.  I stopped and turned, expecting to just exchange the usual pleasantries…you know…nice to see you?, how are you?, what do you do now?…when we got to that last question, the conversation took a turn that I won’t soon forget.