Pregnancy and Adoption Resources

When I began the adoption application, I never really considered the birth mother.  She was a necessary part of the adoption process, but not a real person to me.  I know that sounds callous.  But it is a completely honest statement.   It is not that I thought bad of her but simply that she had never entered my mind.  But that was soon to change.  In 2007, my husband and I brought home two beautiful children.  Standing in a Moscow hotel,  I stared at their sleeping bodies.  This was my first introduction to the mysterious birth mother.  When  Christmas came I again found my self saddened as their birth mothers were on my mind.  I wondered if the women would be proud to know how happy the kids were, would the birth mothers be pleased to know the children were healthy and sassy, or if the birth mothers ever thought about the children. 

As time passed I found that there are very few days that one of my children’s birth mother’s does not cross my mind.  On holidays and birthdays she is a constant invisible presence in our home.  But it is on ordinary days that the birth mothers cross my mind the most.  Such as when darling daughter scraps her knee, I think of her birth mother and hope she would be proud of how independent this little girl has become.  Or when strapping son scores a soccer goal, I wonder if his skills are from her or from his birth father. 

I’m not sure if birth mothers realize how much we (adoptive moms) appreciate them.  We do.  If I could say one phrase to my children’s birth mothers it would be a simple one.  It would be - I love our child. Because that is what this child is - ours- yours and mine.  

Tears filled his young eyes as he stared at me.  I stared back in disbelief.  My four year old son threw another toy at my head as he screamed at me, “You left me.” 

Shocked, I simply stared at him.  How could I explain that it was not me who had left him in the Russian orphanage?  I was his mom, of course it was me.  I was the only mom he knew. 

Alex met my husband and I just two weeks before his third birthday.  As we stood in the orphanage we heard the head doctor describe the way our son was abandoned not once, but twice by his birth mother. I remember them telling the two of us the details of his young life.   It was barely six months since Alex had last seen his birth mother.  I thought how great it would be to get this child home but never realized how much pain there was behind those blue eyes.

It would take five more months and an additional two trips before we would be able to pick Alex up and bring him to his new home.  In all of my day dreaming I never once - when I was filling out papers or flying around the world to visit him - did I ever dream that Alex would think  it was my fault that he had been abandoned in the orphanage.  And yet, here he was accusing me of leaving him. 

Nightly we faced the nightmares as Alex re-lived the orphanage.  His screams waking the house.  His tearful pleas for help made my nights unbearable and his haunted eyes broke my heart. 

Now I faced a very angry little boy who wanted me to explain why I had abandoned him.  In short soft sentences I whispered I loved him.  I couldn’t blame his birth mother because that wouldn’t have been fair to her or to my son.  I did not know her reasons for leaving Alex.  I simply had to stand and accept my son’s anger.  Reaching across the floor, I pulled Alex into my arms.  As I wrapped my arms around him a heart broken desolate wailing came from the shaking body. Quietly, I whispered in his ear that I loved him and would never leave him. 

No one could have prepared me for this heart wrenching moment.  Those days, weeks, and months were rough.  However, it’s a journey that I am proud to have made.  Adoption can be a difficult path, but it is a rewarding journey that I am glad Alex and I are sharing.  Adoption especially of an older, international child requires a commitment from the adopting family.  Education and preparation can make the path easier.  I would urge anyone considering international adoption to educate and prepare themselves. 

Someone seeing three year old Alex would have seen a broken child, but as a child of five he is happy, well adjusted, and very attached.  No one could have adequately prepared me for the heartbreaking moments, but neither could anyone have prepared me for the precious moment when Alex’s mischievously happy eyes met mine and his arms wrapped around my neck and I heard, “Mom, I love you.”  And those are the moments that make international adoption a wonderful journey.  

A child broken by their haunted past does not have to remain broken, but can with the love and commitment of a family become a happy loving child.  My bond with Alex is probably stronger than I ever imagined it could be.  The reason is so simple.  Because a little boy angry and hurt asked why he had been left and his new mommy wrapped her arms and heart around him refusing to ever leave him.   

Since my last post, the international adoption process has continuoualy moved forward in Nepal. The Ministry of Women, Children and Social Welfare (the Ministry) in Nepal announced that they would only accept ten families per agency at this current time. The Kathmandu Post reported that of all the agencies that were registered, only fifty dossiers had been submitted to the Ministry. New Beginnings has been successful in filling all ten available slots. Of those ten families, five have dossiers that have been sent over to Nepal and their wait process has begun…check back for updates on these five families that are pursuing a Nepal international adoption or visit www.NewBeginningsAdoptions.org for current news.

If you or someone you know may be interested in adopting from Nepal or another country, please contact me at the New Beginnings office 662.842.6752 or at marcusdavenport@nbicfs.org.